Let’s talk about listening.
(See what I did there?)
I’ve said over and over again that we need to teach communication skills in grade school, high school, college, and postgrad – all the way through and all the way up.
There are classes in writing, public speaking, presentations, negotiation, and so on, but all those classes focus on specific types of communication, rather than on communication itself. We seem to just assume that since we know how to talk, we generally know how to communicate.
First off – not so much.
Secondly, all those classes – writing, public speaking, and so on – are about the words we produce. The message we want to send.
We’re told that listening is important. But that’s not the message we get from how communication skills are discussed and taught.
We pay lip service (see what I did there?) to the need to not be preparing our rebuttal as the other person is talking, to not listen only for what we disagree with or what we believe is inaccurate.
Instead, we should listen to understand, listen for the things we can agree with and the things they did get right.
But how much do we actually practice that way of listening?
Look, I get it. It’s hard. Especially if the person we’re listening to is challenging us in some way.
And yet, it’s the best way to understand what’s going on, to hear new ideas, and to simply be respectful.
It’s the best way to actually create the change we wish for, because until someone feels that we really understand, we really get them, they can’t hear any alternatives we might be suggesting.
We need to listen with the same depth of attention we want others to offer us, and with the same profound desire to understand that we want them to demonstrate.
We need, as Alan Alda says on his podcast “Clear and Vivid,” to listen with the willingness to be changed.
Please note: I am emphatically not saying that we should let anyone “get away with” anything. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with anyone, and it certainly doesn’t mean that incorrect information should just float out there as if it were factual.
However – and this is important – if we want to challenge someone’s beliefs or ideas, we have to be careful. If we really want to make space for them to change their minds, we can’t come in telling them all about how wrong they are. That just creates even more resistance. They need to feel like we’re listening to them, with respect and understanding, first.
There’s so much more to be said here, of course. Instead of making this into a small book, however, I’ll point you to this podcast episode discussing how a Black jazz musician, Daryl Davis, embarked (somewhat, I suspect, to his own surprise) on a process of inspiring white supremicists to leave their groups.
It’s fascinating.
Have you taken the Leadership Communication Skills assessment?