How’s your tone?

Photo of a segement of a dark red xylophone with two xylophone hammers crossed on top, on a dark-gray background.Are you tone-deaf?

I don’t mean musically. I mean – do you know how you sound to others?

There’s a pervasive myth that 93% of communication is non-verbal. It’s incorrect, it’s been debunked any number of times, but it clings stubbornly on in most people’s minds, not to mention on the internet. (The original study that started the myth was flawed; it was never intended to cover all communication; and there were only 197 study subjects – hardly a good sample.)

Despite the mythology, there obviously are non-verbal factors at play in communication. (Just not 93% percent worth!) For instance, we know how email and text messages can easily be misinterpreted – not because of word choice, but because how those words are put together conveys a particular tone, whether or not that tone was intended. It’s a lot easier to misunderstand tone in written communication.

We also recognize that a perfectly innocuous statement, even a statement whose words appear to be positive, can be delivered in a tone of voice that creates an entirely opposite impact. “Great job!” delivered with enthusiasm and joy, is a whole different critter when delivered with a vocal upturn, making it clear that the speaker questions whether there was even a good job done, much less great.

Word choice matters more than tone in most cases. But tone can be devastating – or uplifting. We all know someone whose tone – brash, arrogant, forceful, whatever you may choose to call it – makes almost anything they say feel like an attack. And we all know people whose tone – soft, cajoling, sweet – can be the sugar-coating over a brutal take-down.

All of which is to say, tone matters. Words matter more, but tone matters too.

If your boss or a co-worker is tone-deaf, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

And if you’ve been getting weird looks or weird responses to what appears to you to be a reasonable request or positive statement, maybe you’re … tone deaf.


Just for fun, here’s a link to the ToneDeafTest website – it’s free (not even an email required), and runs you through a series of musical tone tests to see if you’re musically tone deaf. Which, obviously, is a whole different thing from what I’m writing about.