(This is not an article about politics)
When someone dies and their family and friends are feeling grief-stricken and sad, we say, “I’m so sorry for your loss.”
When someone loses a job and they’re feeling angry and scared, we say, “I’m so sorry – how can I help?”
When some injures themselves and they’re feeling frightened and vulnerable, we say, “Wow, I’m sorry you’re in pain.”
When someone is hurt by the actions of a friend, family member, or colleague, we say, “I’m sorry that happened to you.”
We don’t say, “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
We save that for when we’re defensive.
It’s what I call the Politician’s I’m Sorry.
It’s an “I’m Sorry” of defensiveness. It puts responsibility on the person who’s having the feelings.
Obviously the death of a family member, the loss of a job, an injury, a betrayal – none of those are the fault of the person saying “I’m sorry.”
It’s only when we wonder if we might be at fault, or we don’t want to think about what we might have done to cause someone to feel angry, upset, sad, afraid – all those so-called “negative” emotions – it’s only then that we trot out the Politician’s I’m Sorry: “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
It implies that they’re wrong for whatever they’re feeling.
It’s clear that there’s no acknowledgement of responsibility for having done anything to cause their feelings.
And it seldom, if ever, makes any situation better – quite the opposite.
If you find yourself about to say, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” you might want to stop before the words leave your mouth and ask yourself: is there something you might have done to create those feelings?
And even if not, find something else to say. “That sounds hard” is an option.
Or don’t say anything at all.
What does this have to do with leadership? Well, as I often say: we are all leaders in some way, even if we don’t have an official title.
As such, wouldn’t it be good to model more caring, empathetic behavior?
Oh, and why do I call it the Politician’s I’m Sorry? Well… how often have you heard a politician say “I’m sorry you feel tthat way”? I’ve heard it a lot, especially these days.
NOTES:
Photo by Cup of Couple: https://www.pexels.com/photo/text-on-white-background-6633018/