I get it. When someone’s upset about something you’ve done, the immediate instinct for most of us is to defend our actions, deflect the accusation, and deny that anything was wrong.
My husband and I recently encountered this at a local restaurant. We were initially (mostly) okay with the fact that service was slow because the dining room was clearly understaffed. But when not just one but two tables that had arrived well after us were served, that was enough.
We left, but not before getting into a defend, deflect, deny! conversation with the waitstaff and the host. We understood – and said as much – that they were in a tough position because of, first, being understaffed, and, second, being under-managed; their owners, who had previously been on site almost every evening, were AWOL.
If they had acknowledged that they screwed up – we might have stayed, and we’d probably go back another time.
But they didn’t. And we probably won’t ever go back again.
It’s a shame, because the food is excellent. But that instant defensive reaction was anything but excellent.
This goes way beyond restaurant service, or customer service in general. This is about how the instinct to defend is completely counter-productive. It creates immediate frustration and anger on the part of the person trying to make a point about a problem, which only compounds the issue and leads to avoidable conflict.
As managers, yes, we need to give feedback in ways that enable people to hear and respond, rather than defend and deflect.
But that doesn’t mean being “nice.” Recently, I heard someone make the point that “psychological safety” has been weaponized, and I completely agree: it’s being used to avoid receiving constructive feedback on the grounds that “I don’t feel safe when you criticize my work.”
We all need to learn how to pause, take a breath, and ask ourselves if maybe, just perhaps, there’s at least a grain of truth in what we’re hearing.
It’s not easy. Actually, it’s really hard. Being told we’ve done something wrong can feel personal – even when it’s not intended that way.
It’s especially difficult, as with the restaurant situation, when the problem arises out of a systemic issue (in that case, under-staffed and under-managed).
But if we can take that breath and say, “Yes, that thing that happened wasn’t right, I’m sorry, and here’s what I can do to make it right / make sure it doesn’t happen again,” then the tension subsides and we can start looking for a solution.
And that’s the best option for everyone, including the person who might otherwise choose defensiveness.
It’s worth starting with yourself (yeah, yeah, I know!) and asking: is this something I do?
You might even ask your team for feedback…