As leaders – as people – we are often exhorted to be better listeners, whether by our employees, our managers, or our families.
There are books, articles, and online courses aplenty attempting to teach listening skills.
But intellectual understanding doesn’t equate to in-the-moment skill.
Developing a skill takes practice. Repetition. A willingness to make mistakes.
That said, here’s a quick rundown of what not to do, and a few ideas of what you can do instead … as you practice listening well.
What NOT to do
There’s some very bad advice out there.
For instance, the suggestion to say “I hear you” to indicate that you’ve, well, heard what someone has to say.
But I hear a lot of things. Right now, I hear my (rather noisy) keyboard as I type this. If I stop typing, I’ll hear the air-conditioning fan running. If the cat were here, I’d probably hear him yelling at me to go out.
How much attention am I paying to all that? Not a whole lot – as the cat would be happy to inform you, if he weren’t already out.
“I hear you” doesn’t mean you understood anything at all. Instead, it’s often a passive-aggressive way of saying, “My turn to talk!”
Here’s another bit of bad advice: repeat back what someone says in order to demonstrate that you’ve (ahem!) “heard” them.
But all repeating their words demonstrates is that you’ve got a decent memory. Again, it doesn’t indicate actual understanding.
A third bit of bad advice: mimicking someone’s body language, supposedly to help them feel more comfortable and at ease.
First off, it doesn’t actually work. And secondly, it can quickly make someone feel mocked instead of respected.
What TO do
So if those are don’t-do things, what can you do instead?
One of my favorite bits of advice comes from actor, and now podcast host, Alan Alda. In several of the early episodes of his podcast “Clear and Vivid,” he makes the comment that real listening means being willing to be changed by what you hear.
In other words, if you’re going in with a closed mind, certain that your perspective is the correct perspective, you’re not listening.
Be willing to be changed. And yes, that’s hard. Which is why it’s … wait for it! … a practice.
Second suggestion: instead of parroting back what someone says, rephrase it. Describe what you understood, using your own words. If you get it right, they’ll say something along the lines of “That’s right!” If you get it wrong, they’ll correct you – as long as you’re willing to listen.
And thirdly – since we must have three “do this” points to balance the three “don’t do” points – always use conditional language when you’re explaining what you understood.
No one is happy to be told how they feel or what they think. Conditional language gives them space to agree, or disagree and make the correction.
Conditional language sounds like, “It seems to me…” and “If I have this right, you…” and “I wonder if…”
It also sounds like using “frustrated” or “annoyed” instead of “angry.”
And “worried” or “concerned” instead of “afraid.”
Because anger and fear are taboo subjects for many people – especially in the workplace.
And I’ll say it one more time: Practice
Because no one ever mastered a skill by reading about it.
These tools, and plenty of others, are part of my workshop on Change Leadership. Want to know more – either for your team, or as a conference session? Here’s the link to my connect with me page.