Any chocolate lover will tell you there’s no such thing as just chocolate – even dark chocolate comes in multiple levels of intensity, never mind milk or white chocolate! Similarly, empathy isn’t just empathy; there are different levels and correspondingly different impacts. I’ve written elsewhere about my dislike of the phrase “I hear you.” To summarize what I say there, I hear …
What IS empathy, anyway?
Of all the emotional skills, empathy is possibly the hardest to define – and perhaps also the hardest to practice. Some people equate empathy with being overwhelmed by other people’s emotions. But the most sincerely empathetic people I know are also the most self-contained and clear on who they are, what they want, and where they hold their boundaries. Which …
Empathy – now more than ever
(Note, and note well: empathy does not ever mean agreement. It merely means deep understanding – and with this depth of understanding, we have far greater capacity and power to create positive change.) I am stunned. The level of hatred and anger evident in Charlottesville on August 12th is inconceivable to me. And yet, I must conceive of it because it happened. The ripples …
How do you empathize with someone who’s WRONG?
A reader sent me this question: How do you empathize with someone who is very wrong? My reader had been in a situation where her personal space was invaded – painfully. We’ve probably all experienced something like this: we’re standing innocently on line at the supermarket and the person behind us shoves their shopping cart into us. More unusually, not …
What do these four have in common?
Alan Alda. The FBI. Seth Godin. The ACLU. What do they have in common? Alan Alda is most known for his acting, especially on the long-running TV show M*A*S*H; he’s also an author, speaker, and teacher. The FBI’s Chris Voss was their lead international kidnapping negotiator; he’s now a negotiation consultant, teacher, and speaker. Seth Godin is a marketer, speaker, …
The danger of “how to” scripts
There’s growing awareness that excellent communication is a make-or-break factor for success, whether for an individual leader developing their career, or an executive team running a large organization. But just how can a leader become more empathetic and more prepared to have these challenging, often difficult, yet essential conversations-that-matter? One could start with books; there are plenty out there, many …
The high cost of poor communication
Sixty-five to 75% of change initiatives fail. Seventy percent of the spread between bad and good organizational culture is 100% due to leadership and management. Sixty-nine percent of the time, people quit because of their boss, not because of their job. All too often, known risk factors aren’t attended to until they blow up into big problems. We know all …
Change your beliefs, change your life
If you believe… If you believe that negotiation is hard and you have to be mean and nasty to get what you want … I want you to believe you can negotiate successfully from a place of empathy and understanding. If you believe that conflict is scary and to be avoided … I want you to believe you can hold …
The one must-do for successful negotiation
Practice. I could end this post right there, because that’s the message. You must practice. Practice doesn’t mean scripts; scripts aren’t helpful when things go sideways. And they will go sideways. As military strategist Helmuth von Moltke said, “No battle plan survives contact with the enemy,” and as pugilist Mike Tyson pointed out, “Everyone has a plan – until they get punched …
Are you part of the 69%?
Sixty-nine percent. That’s how many managers say there’s “something about their role” that makes them uncomfortable communicating with their employees. It’s from a research survey conducted in 2016 by Interact Authentic Communication. I’d be very interested to know how many non-managers are uncomfortable communicating with their managers. I’m guessing it would be at least 69%, and probably more. I find this …